The Bloodbath:
Bradley Beal finds a freeze ray in the Cornucopia.
Jayson Tatum battles Damian Lillard. Damian Lillard defeats and kills Jayson Tatum.
Cade Cunningham battles Steph Curry. Steph Curry defeats Cade Cunningham, but decides to spare his life.
Trae Young battles Darius Garland. Darius Garland defeats Trae Young, but decides to spare his life.
Kevin Durant runs away from the Cornucopia.
Zion Williamson runs away from the Cornucopia.
Nikola Jokic battles Karl-Anthony Towns. Karl-Anthony Towns defeats and kills Nikola Jokic.
Steph Curry finds a biology textbook in the Cornucopia.
Jakob Poeltl runs away from the Cornucopia.
Paolo Banchero finds a wild Ohio Fried Chicken in the Cornucopia.
Giannis Antetokounmpo battles Tyrese Haliburton. Giannis Antetokounmpo defeats Tyrese Haliburton, but decides to spare his life.
Jalen Brunson battles DeMar DeRozan. DeMar DeRozan defeats and kills Jalen Brunson.
Karl-Anthony Towns finds a clean Cole in the Cornucopia.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander runs away from the Cornucopia.
Lauri Markkanen battles LaMelo Ball. Lauri Markkanen defeats LaMelo Ball, but decides to spare his life.
LeBron James battles Kawhi Leonard. Kawhi Leonard defeats LeBron James, but decides to spare his life.
Joel Embiid finds a OCC vending machine in the Cornucopia.
Luka Doncic finds a tank in the Cornucopia.
Jalen Green finds a tank in the Cornucopia.
Ja Morant finds a tank in the Cornucopia.
Darius Garland finds a landmine in the Cornucopia.
Jimmy Butler runs away from the Cornucopia
3 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Nikola Jokic: 0 Kills Jayson Tatum: 0 Kills Jalen Brunson: 0 Kills
Day 1:
Cade Cunningham tries to break the fourth wall.
Joel Embiid discovers a singular spaghetti lying on the ground.
Damian Lillard gets their fingernails removed by a native tribe.
De’Aaron Fox stumbles upon a paintball.
Ja Morant runs over Darius Garland with his tank, but Darius Garland survives due to his belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Jalen Green runs over Lauri Markkanen with his tank, but Lauri Markkanen survives due to his belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Karl-Anthony Towns spontaneously combusts.
Pascal Siakam gets mono.
Zion Williamson finds a convenient cardboard box and decides to use it as shelter.
Devin Booker stumbles upon a paintball.
Jimmy Butler finds a convenient brothel and decides to use it as shelter.
Bradley Beal gets prank called by Darius Garland.
Giannis Antetokounmpo heals Bradley Beal.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander receives an anthology of life-changing poems from a sponsor.
LeBron James loses circulation looking too tight in those good shorts.
DeMar DeRozan gets yellow fever.
Kevin Durant gets osteoporosis.
Steph Curry reads a biology textbook and falls asleep.
Tyrese Haliburton heals Paolo Banchero.
Jakob Poeltl loses 0.13 GPA points, and is severely injured.
Trae Young cries himself to sleep.
Bradley Beal freezes Giannis Antetokounmpo with a freeze ray.
Luka Doncic murders Trae Young.
LaMelo Ball gets roasted by Pannapara. Slam!.
Paolo Banchero goes into a food coma from too much Ohio Fried Chicken.
Lauri Markkanen accepts the Blue Whale challenge.
Kawhi Leonard discovers a 50% off coupon to an SAT prep class lying on the ground.
4 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Lauri Markkanen: 0 Kills Karl-Anthony Towns: 1 Kill LeBron James: 0 Kills Trae Young: 0 Kills
Day 2:
Joel Embiid heals Damian Lillard.
Damian Lillard dies of Ebola.
Darius Garland accidentally steps on his own landmine.
Bradley Beal decides to take a permanent nap.
Jimmy Butler loses circulation looking too good in those tight shorts.
Pascal Siakam heals himself.
Cade Cunningham receives a quenched and tempered steel from a sponsor.
Steph Curry stumbles upon a tank.
Tyrese Haliburton receives a used Band-Aid from a sponsor.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander 's life gets changed by poetry.
Devin Booker brings one less paintball, so
Kevin Durant heals himself.
Ja Morant receives a Stalin mustache from a sponsor.
Paolo Banchero gets yellow fever and dies.
Kawhi Leonard finds a convenient geometrically stable truss and decides to use it as shelter.
Luka Doncic is stung by BEES.
Zion Williamson discovers a tin of Donald Trump's bronzer lying on the ground.
LaMelo Ball gets an ulcer and dies.
Jakob Poeltl gets crippling depression and dies.
De’Aaron Fox curses on a Christian server and gets smote.
Jalen Green dies of Ebola.
DeMar DeRozan receives a chocolate-covered cotton from a sponsor.
10 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Jakob Poeltl: 0 Kills Damian Lillard: 1 Kill De’Aaron Fox: 0 Kills Jalen Green: 0 Kills Jimmy Butler: 0 Kills Giannis Antetokounmpo: 0 Kills Darius Garland: 0 Kills LaMelo Ball: 0 Kills Bradley Beal: 0 Kills Paolo Banchero: 0 Kills
Day 3:
Tyrese Haliburton gains one health point after using a used Band-Aid.
Joel Embiid sees things once.
Cade Cunningham constructs a geometrically stable truss.
DeMar DeRozan gets terminal constipation from chocolate-covered cotton and dies.
Devin Booker gets devastating hiccups.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander reads a disheartening message in Comic Sans.
Steph Curry receives a quenched and tempered steel from a sponsor.
Pascal Siakam finds a convenient geometrically stable truss and decides to use it as shelter.
Ja Morant sends Cade Cunningham to the gulag.
Kevin Durant receives a Stalin mustache from a sponsor.
Luka Doncic sings opera.
Kawhi Leonard discovers a OCC vending machine lying on the ground.
Zion Williamson heals Kawhi Leonard.
2 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
DeMar DeRozan: 1 Kill Cade Cunningham: 0 Kills
Day 4:
Devin Booker gets yellow fever and dies.
Steph Curry finds a convenient brothel and decides to use it as shelter.
Joel Embiid finds a convenient igloo and decides to use it as shelter.
Kevin Durant strangles Steph Curry.
Pascal Siakam heals Joel Embiid.
Tyrese Haliburton withered away.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander gets burned to death from Ja Morant's mixtape.
Ja Morant stumbles upon a paintball.
Luka Doncic uses dank memes to kill Joel Embiid.
Kawhi Leonard heals Zion Williamson.
Zion Williamson becomes as orange as Donald Trump and dies of chemical poisoning.
6 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Devin Booker: 1 Kill Steph Curry: 0 Kills Zion Williamson: 0 Kills Shai Gilgeous-Alexander: 0 Kills Joel Embiid: 0 Kills Tyrese Haliburton: 0 Kills
Day 5:
Ja Morant gets hit by a paintball shot by Pascal Siakam.
Pascal Siakam discovers a clean Cole lying on the ground.
Kevin Durant heals Ja Morant.
Kawhi Leonard stumbles upon a basketball.
Luka Doncic heals himself.
0 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Day 6:
Kevin Durant gets nuked from orbit by Ja Morant.
Kawhi Leonard discovers a glasses that cure color-blindness lying on the ground.
Pascal Siakam uses clean Cole as food.
Luka Doncic forgets to get the AED for Ja Morant.
2 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Ja Morant: 3 Kills Kevin Durant: 1 Kill
Day 7:
Pascal Siakam heals himself.
Luka Doncic gets the flu.
Kawhi Leonard attends an SAT class for half the price.
0 cannon shots can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Day 8:
Luka Doncic dies in the Matrix.
Kawhi Leonard gets a tin of Altoids.
Pascal Siakam develops stage 4 brain cancer.
1 cannon shot can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Luka Doncic: 3 Kills
Day 9:
Kawhi Leonard finds a convenient igloo and decides to use it as shelter.
Pascal Siakam gets necrosis and dies.
1 cannon shot can be heard in the distance
The following tributes have fallen:
Pascal Siakam: 0 Kills
Final Recap:
Jalen Brunson battles DeMar DeRozan. DeMar DeRozan defeats and kills Jalen Brunson. Nikola Jokic battles Karl-Anthony Towns. Karl-Anthony Towns defeats and kills Nikola Jokic. Jayson Tatum battles Damian Lillard. Damian Lillard defeats and kills Jayson Tatum. Karl-Anthony Towns spontaneously combusts. LeBron James loses circulation looking too tight in those good shorts. Luka Doncic murders Trae Young. Lauri Markkanen accepts the Blue Whale challenge. Damian Lillard dies of Ebola. Darius Garland accidentally steps on his own landmine. Bradley Beal decides to take a permanent nap. Jimmy Butler loses circulation looking too good in those tight shorts. Devin Booker brings one less paintball, so Paolo Banchero gets yellow fever and dies. LaMelo Ball gets an ulcer and dies. Jakob Poeltl gets crippling depression and dies. De’Aaron Fox curses on a Christian server and gets smote. Jalen Green dies of Ebola. DeMar DeRozan gets terminal constipation from chocolate-covered cotton and dies. Ja Morant sends Cade Cunningham to the gulag. Devin Booker gets yellow fever and dies. Kevin Durant strangles Steph Curry. Tyrese Haliburton withered away. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander gets burned to death from Ja Morant's mixtape. Luka Doncic uses dank memes to kill Joel Embiid. Zion Williamson becomes as orange as Donald Trump and dies of chemical poisoning. Kevin Durant gets nuked from orbit by Ja Morant. Luka Doncic forgets to get the AED for Ja Morant. Luka Doncic dies in the Matrix. Pascal Siakam gets necrosis and dies.
Kawhi Leonard is the champion!