The Chicago Bulls have officially traded Lonzo Ball, who hasn't played since the dial-up was a thing for Cleveland’s proudest 6'5" hustler, Isaac Okoro. The Windy City has spoken — and it's screaming, “We will not tank. We will not rise. We will float.” Sources say the Bulls front office gathered in a secret meeting at a Portillo’s, where the word “DELEVOPMENT” was highlighted! A ketchup-covered executive slammed his hand on the table and said, “We got a PALN!”

The PLAN, sorry, the PALN?

Remain exactly 9th–11th in the East until the Sun explodes.

Fans pleaded for a rebuild. Ownership heard “retool” and installed a vending machine in the United Center locker room instead.

Fan Reactions “I respect the consistency,” said one die-hard Bulls fan, wearing a jersey that just said “PAIN.”

Final Thoughts So what’s next for the Bulls?

Nothing.

Notice: This is a satire. Not even the Bulls' front office are dumb enough to actually do this.