In what may go down as the most ludicrous trade saga in NBA history, turned into a national crisis when the Los Angeles Lakers acquired Nikola Jokić, Christian Braun, Svi Mykhailiuk, Kyle Filipowski, and a 2030 first-round swap from the Denver Nuggets—thanks to an art fraud, religious blackmail, and Jake's LaRavia grandmother.
It all began when Jake LaRavia signed a non-guaranteed deal with the Lakers. What should’ve been a minor footnote in summer transactions escalated when Jake’s grandmother of Serbian origin, named Zamlata Kleptomanovic, a known collector in Eastern and Southeastern European expressionism, discovered that a “contemporary equestrian piece” bought by Nuggets owner Josh Kroenke (allegedly in honor of Jokic) was a cheap Lithuanian forgery—not even a real horse.
To make matters stranger, Jonas Valanciunas, who briefly landed with the Nuggets, was suddenly and inexplicably signed by Pathetikionikos in the Greek league. Initial reports suggested a buyout, but sources close to the situation now claim it was a punishment.
As the self-declared "neutral mediator" in the scandalous sale of the fraudulent horse painting to Josh Kroenke, Valanciunas had allegedly taken a cut of the deal — a lifetime of supplies of Starka so strong it burns through forged canvases, and a suspiciously authentic “Picasso of Panevezys". Once the fraud was exposed, he was ostracized by both the NBA and Serbian basketball circles, and quietly banished to NOT Olympiakos as a reparation.
“He knew the horse was fake,” one insider told us. “He felt it. But he let it ride".
To protect his status among Denver's art elite and the Basel crowd, Kroenke faced an ultimatum from the Lakers front office: approve the trade, or prepare to be horse-shamed publicly at Art Basel Miami.
Sources close to the situation say Kroenke “broke down crying” in front of the Nuggets' boardroom, screaming in agony, “They can’t know I was duped… it had a certificate!!!"
The reaction from Nuggets Nation was apocalyptic. The Locked On Nuggets podcast team vowed to grow Serbian revolutionary beards and launched what they called “Operation Slivovica Thunder”—a guerrilla protest involving climbing Montenegrin mountains, Fasting (except for roasted pig), and drinking slivovica until “the Horse King rides home”.
Longtime co-host Adam Mares was last seen in a handwoven vest shouting “For Jokić!” while roasting a boar near Boulder.
As for the Jazz, their management initially balked, but reversed course after discovering that Reaves is a closeted devout Mormon. This triggered intense lobbying by the LDS community.
According to insiders, the Jazz were blackmailed with long-buried polygamy documents tied to the franchise’s owners. Fearing an expose titled “Salt Lake Secrets: From Stockton to Sister-Wives", the ownership folded.
Josh Kroenke has declined to comment publicly, though unverified reports suggest the fraudulent horse painting was quietly donated to the Denver Zoo’s janitorial closet.
Meanwhile, the Lakers held a press conference at Crypto.com Arena, unveiling Jokic in his new jersey while a hologram of Jerry Buss wept in the background.
Nikola Jokić, confused but calm, addressed the media: "I just want to go home. But I guess L.A. has good hay". Christian Braun nodded silently, petting a live pony named “A Little Sombor that Could".
EPILOGUE:
The most surreal moment came when Bronny James, Lakers' golden son, was included in the deal.
As reporters swarmed LeBron James, he stood on the Lakers' practice court in sandals and a white robe.
He quietly spoke: “Sometimes... a father must send his son to the desert. You take one to the cross so the kingdom can rise again. Forgive them, for they know not the dynasty they dismantle.”