🏀 Draft Year: 2025 Drafted By: Orlando Magic – Pick 13
Contract: 4 years / $18.2 million rookie deal
📈 Year 1: 2025-26 (Rookie Season) Stats: 11.4 PPG, 2.7 APG, 2.1 RPG, 42% FG, 38% 3PT
Twist: Refuses to do defensive drills. Coach benches him in 12 games out of spite.
Award Watch: NBA All-Rookie Second Team
📈 Year 2: 2026-27 Stats: 14.8 PPG, 4.0 APG, 2.4 RPG, 44% FG, 40% 3PT
Twist: Breaks the record for most consecutive games with a made three (78 games)
Award Watch: Sixth Man of the Year Finalist
📈 Year 3: 2027-28 Stats: 16.2 PPG, 5.1 APG, 2.7 RPG, 43% FG, 41% 3PT
Twist: Traded at the deadline to the Chicago Bulls in a three-team deal involving the Clippers and a disgruntled LaMelo Ball.
📈 Year 4: 2028-29 Stats: 18.4 PPG, 6.2 APG, 3.1 RPG, 45% FG, 43% 3PT
Twist: Becomes a meme legend after airballing a free throw so badly it hits the ref. Sells merch: “#OatMiss”
Free Agency: Signs a 3-year / $72 million deal with the Bulls
📈 Year 5: 2029-30 Stats: 20.9 PPG, 7.0 APG, 3.3 RPG, 46% FG, 44% 3PT
Twist: Tears his ACL in March while dancing on TikTok. Misses final 15 games + playoffs.
📈 Year 6: 2030-31 Stats: 17.6 PPG, 5.5 APG, 2.9 RPG, 42% FG, 38% 3PT (coming off injury)
Twist: Converts to a defensive specialist?? Starts talking about “clamps” despite still not taking charges.
📈 Year 7: 2031-32 Stats: 21.3 PPG, 6.4 APG, 3.2 RPG, 47% FG, 45% 3PT
Twist: Makes All-Star Game for the first time! Finishes runner-up in 3-Point Contest after missing last ball.
📈 Year 8: 2032-33 Stats: 23.5 PPG, 5.8 APG, 3.0 RPG, 48% FG, 46% 3PT
Twist: Gets ejected for arguing with a fan in Milwaukee. Fan was holding a “Take a charge, coward” sign. NBA fines him $50k.
📈 Year 9: 2033-34 Stats: 22.1 PPG, 6.9 APG, 3.5 RPG, 44% FG, 41% 3PT
Twist: Traded to the Phoenix Suns in a blockbuster involving Devin Booker.
📈 Year 10: 2034-35 Stats: 18.8 PPG, 6.2 APG, 3.1 RPG, 40% FG, 36% 3PT
Twist: Slumps hard. Coach benches him during playoffs. Begins podcast “No Charges Taken.”
📈 Year 11: 2035-36 Stats: 19.9 PPG, 5.6 APG, 2.9 RPG, 43% FG, 42% 3PT
Twist: Randomly becomes a fashion icon. Wears Crocs to the All-Star red carpet.
📈 Year 12: 2036-37 Stats: 15.4 PPG, 4.0 APG, 2.1 RPG, 39% FG, 36% 3PT
Twist: Announces retirement, then unretires a month later. Signs with the Miami Heat for 1 year / $5M
📈 Year 13: 2037-38 Stats: 11.7 PPG, 2.8 APG, 1.8 RPG, 38% FG, 35% 3PT
Twist: Dies hair bright orange, claims it boosts 3PT%. It doesn’t.
📈 Year 14: 2038-39 Stats: 6.9 PPG, 1.9 APG, 1.3 RPG, 36% FG, 32% 3PT
Twist: Final Game = 14 threes (franchise record). Drops mic mid-interview and walks off into retirement.
🪦 Bonus Twist: Post-Career 2029: NBA 3PT Contest Champion
2039: Launches cereal called “Oatmeal Buckets”
2041: Passes away unexpectedly during a livestreamed 1v1 with his son, who immediately hits a step-back three in tribute. Internet calls it the “Oatmeal Goodbye.”
2042: Inducted into HOF